(Don’t) Take it Like a Man
Expressions like “take it like man” or “man up” are (still) quite present on our society. Perhaps without realizing it, when using these expressions, a stereotype is being propagated letting the person who ears it (whether is a man or not) aware that feelings have no place, it means staying quiet about pain or discomfort, either physical or emotional, or be judged for it.
Actually, this comes from a broader concept. What does it mean to be a man? Society certainly has its own ideas that we all, one way or another, can grasp and understand. “Acting like a man” is associated to tolerating pain for its own sake or even seeking out uncomfortable situations. Seen this way, men seem to be working awfully hard to quash any unpleasant feelings, simply because they’re expected to. Men in our culture receive powerful, stereotypical instructions about the obligatory performance of their masculinity. They’re expected to be strong, aloof, emotionally insensitive and self-sufficient.
So, let’s meet an imaginary man raised under these concepts.
He is in their 50-60s, and he is starting to see that he has to get up more often during the night to urinate. Although inconvenient, he plays it down and keeps on with its life. As time goes by, he notices that he can’t quite empty his bladder and that the visit to the restroom is more and more frequent.
The idea of seeing a physician starts to grow inside his mind, but he already heard of the dreadful rectal touch – “No one will stick any fingers right up my…!”. The days keep on coming and going, the discomfort while urinating is bigger and bigger, and he starts to notice that there is blood in the urine. “This may mean that it is cancer…”. Anguish settles in and the ghosts around his sexual performance are screaming inside his head. Guilt, shame and sadness follow and the feeling of alienation from his own life is just beginning.
Eventually the physician appointment happens, the fingers go where they need to go and a whole lot of exams end up revealing the diagnosis. Prostate cancer. The floor falls of under his feet but, just as he was told, take it like a man! And so, he does! Family members and friends start to worry but he downplays the situation pushing them aside until, eventually, he feels like he is all alone.
A joyful person that drinks occasionally with friends turns into a shadowy figure always with a bottle nearby. He’s trapped. Alone, ashamed and depressed. The alcohol sets in and anger appears in bursts of rage, further pushing everyone away. Life is hopeless…
This is a fictional story and fortunately not every man follows this path, but this tale serves the point of showing how “taking it like man” may “force” someone not to talk about their feelings and acting them out in ways that are often dangerous to their health. The values of this “toxic masculinity” enact an even more insidious effect: that of cutting people off from potential sources of social support. If this man, who is depressed, feels he must act “macho” by hiding his emotions, he will likely deny himself the opportunity to rely on a friend, partner, or family member who cares about him. The same can apply to treatment adhesion. Men that downplay their emotions and act them out may not see the need to be treated or refuse some of the treatments as some the side effects are simply unacceptable – prostate surgery and erectile dysfunction for instance.
The Movember initiative tries to raise awareness to the specific masculine health issues regarding mental health, prostate and testicular cancer as they all relate to the way society looks at what it means to be a man. It’s sad that the idea of being strong is perceived as an antagonist of being vulnerable. Perhaps a better interpretation of what it means to be strong may be to be vulnerable.
